you have left the house. our house. the house we share together. as soon as you left, i felt a little lighter. i felt like i could breathe. why are we fighting so much?
we have spent the last few months fucking, loving each other, not caring about anything else then just EACH OTHER. i remember when you would leave your flat in the morning and turn around to say goodbye for the 100th time. your face would be so adoring. you adored me. not but ten minutes later you would come back up the stairs. and we would make love again.
now we are together. officially. i can’t remember being single anymore. and it has only been six months. i knew my friends were scared when i said i was going to find a place to live with you. maybe they were right. maybe this was the wrong thing to do.
i feel my head hurting when we need to have another discussion about something that could be solved so easily. we talk about feelings, we talk about how we just talked about feelings. i can see it wear you out. i am worn out. we just came back from holiday and i feel like we should never have even left the house. my work. my life. myself. i don’t even know how to feel anymore.
i think i have fought becoming too involved with you. now i am in here drowning and i want to get out. all i know is on and off. i want to find an in between. please help me.
i hate camping. i hate ikea. i’m not good with families. i am really bad with money. i like being on my own. i love my friends. i need my space. i hate assumptions. i hate being told what to do. and just then, i had to listen to how you never get your way. you lay upstairs and told me how you felt while i was downstairs crying in silence. i feel so alone. i don’t want to tell anyone how i feel in case i hear the ‘i told you so’. i can see you are scared. are you scared i am going to leave you? are you scared i want my life to be peaceful? are you scared?
i am scared. i am tired. and i think i want to be on my own. again.
This really is all I can say to you after last night, meeting all of your physics friends and learning about what you do. I love you so much, I want the world to know. I can’t wait for the papers you publish, and to be able to celebrate your success with you. I know it is going to be hard to keep apart but I will do whatever it takes to make sure you get all your work done. I love you.
i was so scared when the taxi driver attacked me, i felt alone, but strong. here i was again, in another mess, and on my own. it has happened so many times before, and i have never wondered if things would be different if i had a boyfriend. it was always just me, in trouble, with my urban family there to help. i cried myself to sleep that night. a long and lonely cry - and then little miss b arrived and made me feel better. and then we talked about boys. i didn’t set any hopes on you. i was sick of dreaming about the right one coming my way.
after you told me you had fallen in love with me that night in the kebab shop, when i was taking the piss out of that bald guy, my heart had skipped a beat. i hadn’t felt electricity like that in quite some time. a little bit of me had fallen for you too.
we rode on through the streets and you had stopped, we had ridden past your house and you went in to do your washing. you had to take a train to paris the next morning. i rode on, hoping with all my heart you were still behind me. when i got to chonny’s and you were not there i asked your friend for your phone number. i didn’t really know your name, i later found out you didn’t know mine at all. we spoke for quite some time while i stood on the street. i had a guy come running up to me to ask me where the police station was… he was frantic and you were worried. he was australian, you held on the line while i explained to him how to get to the cop shop - i wanted to feel you on the end of the line. i knew you wanted to hear my voice. i tried my best to sound sophisticated and in control, all the while my heart was racing.
we talked again, and you mentioned how opinionated I was the week before in the bar. you said you wanted to hear my opinion on everything. i had never heard that line before. i really began to like you as you painted my ego rosy pink with your thoughts.
an egyptian man was next to stop me on the street. he wouldn’t leave me alone til I hung up the phone. you asked me to call you back when he was done chatting me up. mistaking me for someone who worked in a tourist shop. we talked again, you had to sleep, i asked you why you didn’t come to chonny’s and you asked me why i wasn’t with you now. you invited me to paris with you and i said i would think about it. imagine if I had come along to meet you there? it was three weeks til we would meet again, but I had you in my thoughts.
then you called me that morning after i was attacked. i panicked that i may have called you distressed. i was so upset, i was so hysterical, i checked my phone to see whether i had tried to call you. i hadn’t. so i called you back. you were in paris, and you were looking at photos of me on facebook. you told me this like it was normal. even though you didn’t believe in the stars making things happen in this universe, you asked me about my vivienne westwood boots… you had seen me wear them on facebook and had recognised them from somewhere. because no one else would have them in this country, i told you that you must have seen them on me. you said you spent forever trying to figure it out. then you realised it was when you were heading to brussels and i was on way to paris. i was on the platform, talking on the phone and you liked my shoes. you said you thought i looked spoilt, and because i look so young, you figured my parents had bought them for me. how wrong you were… how right this all felt.
What you do deserve is someone who wants to be with you every moment that he can, he calls you as soon as something good happens in your life and he is by your side when things are bad. Someone you can walk away from and know in your heart that they feel EXACTLY the same way about you as you do them. You have total trust, you can share jokes, you can be yourself and you can look your worst and it doesn’t matter cause they are about seeing you as a person, not someone for now, or for later tonight or for tomorrow. But forever. xxxx
they always say that you meet someone when you least expect it. i didn’t expect it, and i didn’t want it… how on earth did you even find me attractive?
it was another night out with miss chonny in early october. we had just been to a german copywriter’s party and the food was all good to eat and full of garlic. since i didn’t give a fuck and was adamant i was going to spend the rest of my life on my own, i was eating like a trooper. chonny was preparing to leave for berlin so i thought she could hang out with some germans to get into the spirit of her leaving. we rode out to the east and stayed for as long as it was polite. it was a sweet, quiet and innocent enough affair.
on route home we stopped off at the heavy metal bar that was to be the venue for chonny’s leaving party. i had never been and katie had told me so many times to go there for a fun night. chonny hadn’t been in a while, so we went to have a quick drink to check it out. i am so glad we did.
we walked in and there was pablo, a friend of chonny’s and a friend of yours. he is so lovely and has the kindest face. he wanted to introduce us to his friends. i wasn’t interested but went along anyway. and there you were… tall, dark, very cute and ready to introduce yourself. i gave you some grief about not buying me a drink. you asked me why i was so aggressive. i called your friend a peodphile, and you asked me if i wanted a cigarette. i went along and thought of the man in paris. i thought about how much i didn’t want to meet another man for a long time. i turned around and you were staring at me. so i walked away back in side. i could hear you as i left… ‘oh come on, where are you going??’
i wanted to go away cause i didn’t want you to get to know me, i didn’t want anyone to get to know me. i had only just started to get to know myself and i didn’t quite think i liked this person enough to introduce her to the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with. you.
when we came back inside you asked if we could start again. i agreed, and i asked you if i smelled of garlic. you were so sweet. you looked down at me and said in your knowing voice ‘ah yeah, a little’… you later told me that i smelled a lot but that you didn’t care and you wanted to have sex with me there and then.
you told pablo much of the sort. i guess i can thank him for our next meeting.
